Art Therapy
I’ve always been a writer. Actually, it would be more accurate to say I’ve always been a reader. From Bunnicula the Vampire Bunny who sucked the juices from garden vegetables, to the Babysitters Club series, to Jane Austen and C. S. Lewis, Anna Karenina, and lowbrow murder mysteries, I have always gotten lost in books. And the books taught me how to write. And the writing is both a means of catharsis, and a way of connecting.
But this season of life has left me largely tongue-tied – wanting to speak, but needing to respect the privacy of the other players in my life. Wanting to process things “out loud” but being afraid of making them more real. Looking so many of life’s biggest questions in the eye, but still needing to flinch and turn away sometimes. And if I write it, I’m looking right at it.
To skirt the edges, I can say: my kids have not been getting what they need. I love this town with all my heart, but it’s a difficult place to raise a family and meet the needs of all ages from 2 to 86. My attention and energy is so divided, basically landing on whichever person is having the most urgent crisis. At the moment, after everyone going through yet another round of flu/cold/who knows what, it’s all the same and awful, my dad has landed in the hospital. He seemed to be recovering well, sat down and ate dinner Tuesday night, then couldn’t stand up. That’s always the way it goes with him, and consequently every tiny illness is a nailbiter. Hospital stays always wreak havoc on dementia patients, so between that and the meds he needs to keep his agitation at bay, he has no idea what’s happening around him. When I saw him yesterday, it made no difference to him that I came, and he had no desire to go home simply because he didn’t know where he was, or that he wasn’t already there. I didn’t cry about it until the middle of the night.
I can’t dwell on that, though, because in the daylight hours, Cosmo is falling off his chair for no reason and hitting his head; Miranda needs a dress to go with her friend to prom and there are no stores within 2 hours of here; Evelyn is crying because her online school website isn’t logging in her time properly; Steven has lost his phone charger and his phone is dead; and one of the dogs is making gagging noises.
But in the midst of all these things going on, the Lord reminded me that I love art. Being creative makes me happy and looking at happy art makes me happy.
I reconnected with a friend in Florida who learned to paint during the initial covid pandemic, and now at 74, she is gaining tremendous acclaim for her impressionist oil paintings. When I mentioned I had always wanted to learn oils, she offered to teach me. And this was the beginning of a journey, at one of the mist challenging and preoccupying times in my life, to do something on my bucket list. Something I have longed to try for decades but I’ve never taken the first step. I’ve not even used watercolor paints since kindergarten, let alone opened a brand new tube of Winsor & Newton Griffin Alkyd oil paint. I was quite terrified.
My first painting started out like this. It looked like something Cosmo could have just about drawn in crayons.
But after a couple of days of off-and-on work and following instructions, it became this.
It was such an obvious yet profound spiritual lesson to see the painfully amateur brushstrokes transform into something vibrant, layered, interesting, and beautiful. I was right there mixing the paint colors and dabbing them onto the canvas, and yet I could not tell you how or when it became a rich, red apple. It seemed to create itself.
I lost myself in the colors and smells and textures of the process. I thought of nothing else but what was right there in front of me. And what was right in front of me was beautiful. It was sparkling with light.
So friends, you may not see too many words from me right now. But you may see more art. I hope it can speak to me and for me in a new way.
And for those of you who are interested, my friend’s paintings can be seen at www.cindyzeigler.com.
Beautiful Mess
How else can you describe it?
I’m raising a teenager and trying to fix all the mistakes I made with her before it’s too late; I’m raising a middle child for whom I cannot do anything right ever; I’m raising the toddler where my only goal is to keep him alive and prevent brain damage; and caring for my dad, where there is no right answer – only best guesses and hedging my bets.
But these kids – they’re so beautiful, so precious. Despite the angles and edges and crying and yelling and NOISE, they are these magnificent, intensely vibrant creatures full of wonder and intelligence and surprising insight, and humor. (Cosmo’s greatest joy in life is to tell us, “Farted on you!”). My father, no matter his memory loss, is still unfathomably deep. Unfortunately those depths are now and forever a mystery. But I can still see quiet joy on his face when he sits out in the warm sun on our back deck, bundled in 5 layers of clothing, gazing at the changing leaves.
The leaves this year are an incredible surprise. After the horror of Helene, everything was muted, brown, soggy, and defeated-looking. But then, after the expected peak of fall, in one synchronized nighttime transformation, the leaves that remained exploded into a prism of color that seemed to me a divine statement about beauty, hope, and hanging on through the dark times. Again and again and again I realize how we must have eyes to see the better things around us. The bad things always seem the biggest and most urgent, but it’s the good things that save us. They don’t strike at our soul and demand our energy and attention like the bad things, so we have to learn to see past what’s right in front of us. We have to look around us with love, compassion, appreciation, forgiveness, and an expectation that there IS something extraordinary to see.
Go ahead and have a listen to one of my favorite songs. It’s okay to cry when you hear, “If I stand, let me stand on the promise that You will pull me through. And if I can’t let me fall on the grace that first brought me to You.” I feel like I am falling all the time right now, but it’s a softer landing than I would have expected.
Without Further Delay…
I miss writing this blog. But so much of what I want to say is too personal. My life for these last few years has been defined by intensely caring for others: not just caring about them; caring for them. So much of how I’m doing rests on how they’re doing, so I couldn’t explain my well-being – or lack thereof – without explaining theirs, and many of those stories are not mine to share.
By adding my father, and then a new baby to the household, we doubled our number of dependents. And with my father’s increasingly severe dementia, and Cosmo being ALL BOY and having no sense of safety and not napping, the two newest dependents are far more dependent than the original two. And unfortunately, Dad and Cosmo are far more dangerous combined than either would be on his own. As time passes, Cosmo gets marginally easier, but Dad needs more care.
And now I find myself paying my dues for letting the boys’ needs eclipse my girls. I am in remedial parenting mode as I try to help them sort through the changes in their minds and emotions and bodies; the different expectations on them that come with getting older; the toll it takes to have an unexpected sibling who steals all attention and energy; the toll it takes to have Dad here. He is not who they remember, and no one they can now get to know. He does and says things that make no sense; and to teenage girls who are already raw and prickly, he is often an irritant and a source of offense. It breaks my heart to see how they avoid him, and consequently how they avoid a lot of family life. This is not okay with me, but there is no easy fix.
I can hardly keep from crying even as I write these very few words about my father, and this is why I have been so silent. It feels like betrayal to say these things “out loud.” I can’t help thinking how he would feel if he read this, but it’s a question without an answer because he can’t. He can’t operate a computer, or even his cell phone, and he has very little ability to comprehend anything he reads. A man who loved his books almost more than anything, he now carries them from room to room, chair to couch, and holds them as he sleeps.
And where is Steven in all this? Where are we as individuals and as a couple? Well if the girls’ needs got eclipsed temporarily, we all but disappeared. I think we’ve been operating more as functions than as people. We always manage to find moments of joy, but our primary objective has been to keep on functioning for the sake of all that needs to be taken care of. We’ve had to acknowledge that we’ve lost quality of function, so we moved on to quantity of function. How much can we do and how long can we do it?
Again, this is not okay, but there are some answers to be found for these problems. I am only able to write this now because I’m far enough into some of these answers to be able to see and explain what was going on. These answers are stories that belong to us, and I can tell them. But not today…today is to say what I needed to say, to feel its heaviness and try to let it go. To try and say just enough that you all, friends and readers, understand my silence and are now ready for what comes next, just as I am.
Meet Me in the Middle
I am not a Pinterest mom. In fact, those memes with pictures of other moms’ Pinterest fails would be more like me if I even bothered to try with the Pinterest craft projects, seasonal decor, and fancy recipes.
For a long time, I related most to the social media posts that said things like, “Kept the kids alive today, and took a shower! #success!” Although, if we’re being honest, it is winter, and I may not have showered. That’s between me and God.
But I realize I have moved beyond survival mode to a place where I have better intentions, hopes and dreams for myself and my children, and short- and long-term goals. I make reasonably healthy meals a couple of times a week (a significant increase from zero times a week), and while my coat doesn’t match my purse and my purse doesn’t match my shoes, my actual clothing generally looks okay. And for the first time in my life, I am doing something really adult and using name-brand skin care on my face every day. It caused me physical pain to choose the “Wrinkle Expert 35+” moisturizer, but that’s reality. I have to see it for what it is in order to have any hope of improving it. This is #success for me now.
I bought an unnecessarily complicated app that has enabled me to create daily and weekly chore lists for myself and the kids. I post these lists on the refrigerator every Sunday. The last item on the lists is “check list every day for completion,” but despite this, our success rate is about 45%. For a while, I would feel white hot rage when the girls, YET AGAIN, forgot to let the chickens out until 1 in the afternoon, because for goodness sake, these are live animals and it says so right there in black and white and HOW HARD IS IT ANYWAY???
But now I have a level of acceptance of the situation. When I post the lists, things go much more smoothly than when I don’t. There’s always an element of failure, but there is also a big element of improvement.
Right now, I am happily, comfortably, #somewhereinthemiddle. I’d like to video myself riding a flawless Grand Prix dressage test on my wonderful schoolmaster Vinny. And I’d like to write more and see my name in a byline in some real publications. These things aren’t happening yet, but at least I can dream them. For every shortcoming (way behind on dog grooming; Charlotte has terrible mats that I’ll have to scissor off), there is some accomplishment (finally ordered new pants for Cosmo so he is no longer squeezed like a baby sausage into 9-month clothing).
I wanted to write this post to remind myself that I have come a long way. I am no longer totally buried by my circumstances and the daily demands of my life. But I also wanted to write it to say to so many of you that I feel what you’re going through. You’re failing, but not completely. Not at all. You’re getting better sometimes – maybe even often. You have moments of brilliance. You have ridiculous, embarrassing lapses in memory and judgment, but you’ve learned go easy on yourself. You’ve been through a lot and this is hard. I really just want to raise a glass and say cheers to everyone who is, like me, #somewhereinthemiddle.
At What Cost?
I was scrolling through Facebook the other night when I came across a post from an old neighbor. At the time we lived next door to him, he was a teenager, rumbling up and down the road in his back, dusty diesel truck. Now he’s married with two young children. He had posted a picture of he and his wife on vacation, holding their girls in their arms, standing on a beach and captioned it, “The best things in life are free.”
My first thought was, “But…are they?” Then I scolded myself for being jaded and cynical, when this sweet young guy was expressing such an innocent sentiment. And I’ve been debating with myself ever since.
I know what he meant – he meant that expensive material possessions aren’t what bring us happiness – and that’s true. But this statement, “the best things in life are free,” has become one of those universally accepted platitudes that you see on bumper stickers and T-shirts, and all of a sudden, when I actually stopped to think about it, I realized that this is a terrible idea to promote.
The best things in my life are the things that cost me the most. And they’re things that continually cost me, every day. My children rip my heart out on practically a daily basis, as I am plagued by worry that they may be getting sick, or they hate me, or I’ve failed as a mother. But they bring me unquantifiable joy from a smile or a hug, or even from just washing a dish. For me, anyway, being a parent means second-guessing everything I do and say, and feeling the most intense relief and gratitude when one of my children does anything remotely kind, intelligent, or selfless. Being a parent is tears, spending sleepless nights in prayer, saying “yes” to their needs and “no” to your own, and being certain that you have no more to give and still giving. Being a parent is the most urgent thing I do, the most meaningful, and the thing that melts my heart. My children hold my heart so tightly that sometimes when I pull them close, I’m frightened of the intensity of my emotions. In those moments, nothing matters except caring for them and keeping them safe.
And my marriage is another “best thing” that is far from free. In fact, it’s probably the thing I’ve worked hardest on. When life gets overwhelming, I tend to put Steven on the back burner because he’s such a strong person. I don’t feel I have to worry about him, and the result is often benign neglect. We’re just two extremely busy people helping each other do even more stuff and be even more productive. Instead of sharing each other’s burdens, we pick up more. It took me a long time to see that this was happening, and even longer to attempt to stop it. Sometimes it’s as simple as making eye contact and giving him my full attention when he talks to me, or touching his shoulder when I walk by him in the kitchen. Sometimes it’s staying up until 3 in the morning to hash something out because that’s the only time we’re alone. It’s being willing to look hard at my own shortcomings, to keep my mouth shut, and to reach out for him when it would be easier to turn away.
It’s saying sorry, being scared, and getting up to get him his drink that he forgot to bring to the dinner table when I’m so tired I don’t think I can move. But doing that with a smile on my face is why we’re still married, and why it’s better now, 17 years in.
And when I think about my career as a horse trainer…I cannot begin to quantify the literal blood, sweat, and tears that it cost me to gain my skillset. Not only the hours and effort I put into learning, but the infinite missed opportunities – parties, time with friends, vacations, or really anything that required being away from the farm for more than a few hours. Because of my choice to pursue this lifestyle, I sacrificed any chance at having a “normal” life. A large part of my identity and most of my daily schedule revolves around the horses – how they’re doing, what they need, when they eat, how long they can go without being checked on, if they’re progressing in their training. And while it’s true that this cost me the ability to do many other things, it still feels like a gift to care for and work with creatures that are so big and powerful, but still so delicate. There is no real reason they should want to have a connection with us, but they do. It’s magic.
The best things in life cost time. They cost energy. They need lots of attention and continual work. They take your whole heart, whether you intend to give it or not. So be prepared, because you will lose yourself in them.
But then, these are the things that make you who you are. They give you back to yourself, but you’re new and different, wiser and stronger, and so much better because of them. Their incredible cost is what gives them their infinite value. I try to remember this when I feel empty and used up: you ALWAYS get more than you give.
Neighborhood Watch
This is my neighborhood. People value their privacy here. They are observant – even our UPS driver notices every time one training horse leaves and a new one comes in – but they aren’t nosy. You’ll barely see the folks who live here unless you’re looking for them.
In fact, if you aren’t looking, you’ll miss everything worth seeing.
Once you make this your home, the world opens up. There is some unwritten code here, a prerequisite for acceptance, that you have to love this place – the land, the seasons, the bugs, the long stretches of rain, the unpredictable snows. You have to respect its steep slopes that overturn cars and tractors, its healthy bear population, its wild boar, and its dense forests that absorb sunlight. You have to savor and guard the hidden waterfalls, the black-eyed Susans and wild geraniums, the dwindling hemlocks, the bees and hummingbirds, the views that take your breath away, and the air that smells of grass hay and sunshine. If you understand it like this, you get folded into the land, the neighborhood, and the people. A place that seems so out of the way and quiet comes blazingly alive.
The landscape is wild and unmanageable, for the most part. It won’t tolerate boundaries. The summers are so lush that the roads get swallowed up by the vegetation. The edges of everything – pastures, fence-lines, streams, ponds, and paths are blurred by the grasses, ferns, and wildflowers that grow up and over them.
I’ve run almost every path in this neighborhood a hundred times. I’ve hiked the old trails and fought through the underbrush to made new ones. I’ve strolled down the roads with my dad, toting Cosmo in his carrier, almost every afternoon for the last year. And at this point, I have to practice seeing. The concerns that weigh so heavily on my heart and mind turn my eyes inward, and I get stuck there. The only remedy is to look outside.
My world seems to change by the minute, but this place is old, and it is stable. It changes with the years and the seasons, but it remains fundamentally the same. Houses fall apart and get repaired, they change color and size; some of the roads get paved and then the pavement breaks up. Fields get mowed and grow back; fences get built, and then they fall. And I watch all of it.
This place is stronger than people and circumstances. It has a fundamental identity that it always returns to. In this little neighborhood, I sometimes think I can glimpse the entire universe.
“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities – his eternal power and divine nature – have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.” Romans 1:20
Both/And
Once again, it’s been a while since I posted. I often feel like I need a certain minimum level of mental, emotional, or circumstantial stability before I can settle down to write, but the result of that is I never feel I can write. So enough of that – here goes:
Covid wrecked our household right after Easter. I was the first to get it, and I had about a day and a half to languish before it hit the next victim and I had to step up. My dad was last to get it, and he ended up in the hospital for several days. He recovered, but it opened a medical can of worms that has resulted in endless doctor’s appointments, tests, lab work, and a couple of ER visits. Steven has to take the baby when this stuff comes up, and the girls are left to their own devices at the house. It’s been a bit of a game changer as far as my father’s health going from good to questionable, and all the time and energy needed to evaluate and manage the new norm. I have a lot of mom guilt for how it’s affecting the girls, and the toll I imagined it was taking on them was confirmed when Evelyn got frustrated with her schoolwork while trying to find the area of a rectangle, hit the computer, and totally destroyed the screen.
I could make a nearly endless list of other events that have transpired, but instead I would like to give you a picture of one particular day that accurately represents all days. In this case, Wednesday.
It had been a long day, which is what I can truthfully say about every day. I had read my Bible, worked a bit on a Bible study I’m putting together, and exercised. I was simultaneously chasing Cosmo, who – while he isn’t walking yet – can crawl faster than a speeding bullet, and climb. He actually scaled my dresser the other day – which is an almost flat surface – if that tells you anything. When he finally decided to nap, I went down to the barn and rode one horse, and as soon as I came back in the house and shut the door, he was back awake and crying. Then there was more feed the baby, chase the baby, hold the baby, walk with the baby.
Now let me explain about feeding Cosmo: he is always hungry, but he is also always busy. He races from one toy to another, one room to another; from the window that looks out on the chickens, to the pile of cardboard recycling where he can play with the boxes; from my dad’s bathroom where the door is never shut and he can play in the toilet water to the pinball room where he tries to get ahold of Steven’s specialized repair tools and parts. So although he is extremely hungry, you have to chase him from one location to the next, get down on the ground with him, wait for him to pause, then aim frantically for his mouth and hope for the best before he takes off. Then you get up and follow him. If it sounds exhausting, it is. But if you sing “Doe, a Deer,” he will sometimes stay in one place long enough to eat more than one bite. And the bonus is that if you do get the food in his mouth, he will bury his head in your chest with happiness, then smear off all the excess food onto your clothing. If you are wondering why we jump through these ridiculous hoops to feed a child who is actually hungry and does, in fact, want the food we’re offering, it is because…THE SCREAMING. We are old, we are tired, and we can’t take it. We found what works, and we do it. And yes, I admit to feeling sorry for his future wife.
So – all of the baby wrangling was punctuated by nagging the girls a million times about their schoolwork and to clean up after themselves, and cleaning up after them once I gave up on nagging. There was also the hundred or so gentle reminders to my dad to get up, take his pills, eat breakfast, drink water (because he barely drinks), go for a walk, drink the water he forgot about, eat lunch because it’s already 5, take his walk because he fell back asleep and it’s now after 6, drink the water he forgot again, etc.
Somewhere along the line I went and rode a 2nd horse, did laundry, put up one set of horses and turned out another, and watered our new plants. With Cosmo trapped inside, banging on the French doors behind me and yelling, I took a moment to look at the different lettuces we had bought, some of them bright spring green-colored and others a deep purple. They were no longer quite as sad looking and a few were sprouting tiny new leaves. I glanced up through the exploding fuchsia blooms of the petunia in the hanging basket and saw the horses grazing in the field.
I checked on the droopy flame-colored flowers of the “Bee Bold” plant and smiled: they were beginning to stand back up and arc towards the sun.
Evelyn had announced that she wanted to ride that evening, and I was really pleased. Miranda grew up with lots of opportunity to ride, and it came easily to her. Evelyn didn’t have the same opportunities and we’re trying now to make up for it (more mom guilt) since my wonderful old horse Jazz is here for the summer. Steven got home, rested for a minute and snacked on bar-b-que chips. It was late in the evening by then, and overcast, but I packed Cosmo up in his carrier and we went down to the barn with Evelyn. Steven caught his horse and got him ready, and I did my best to help Evelyn groom and tack up her Jazz with Cosmo strapped to my chest. Steven and Evelyn then set off down the steep hill to the arena, but I took the long way around on the road. It’s hard to navigate a steep, grassy hill with big horse-hoof divots everywhere when you’re wearing a 25-pound 10-month-old.
I strolled to the arena because that was as fast as I could move, and began taking pictures of the horse Steven was riding, whose owner is in Spain for 2 months. I then helped Evelyn, who had a huge smile on her face and was singing to herself and Jazz, as they trotted slowly around the arena. I kept having to run up behind Jazz and shoo him so he would keep going. After a while I began jogging beside him and making clucking noises – the universal horseman’s signal for “go.” Cosmo thought that was a blast and started laughing hysterically as he bounced up and down in his carrier.
Soon, they finished riding and headed back up the hill, and I turned to go back up the road. I had made it about halfway to the barn; I realized I was limping from some unknown injury to my right foot, and Cosmo was SO heavy. My back was tired and my shoulders were hurting where the straps of the carrier had begun to dig into them. I could feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes and I kept trudging uphill. I let them run down my cheeks as I felt every muscle in my body begging me to stop.
And at that moment, the sun broke through the clouds and picked its way through the thick canopy of leaves on the trees. It made tiny waving patterns on the gravel, and everything got a little brighter. Even Charlotte stopped to look. The world was sparkling.
I am so happy, I thought. I love my life. But tears are running down my face. How do I feel all of this at the same time?
How am I both crying with exhaustion and overwhelmed with joy?
Both. And.
That is my life.
Mysterious Ways
Let me try to tell you all a story. It’s uncomfortable to share what I’m going to share, but why bother writing if you’re not honest? Maybe someone can relate, and hopefully be encouraged.
Wednesday night was bad for me. It started Wednesday morning, when Margeaux – the gal who feeds our horses – told me that Miranda’s horse Hal had a fair amount of bloody saliva in his feed bucket and more was smeared on his stall walls. He seemed relatively okay otherwise, so we guessed that it might be a sinus or tooth issue. He didn’t have a fever, but as the day went on, he became less interested in eating and he began drooling. We gave him some anti-inflammatories and shortly afterwards he started grazing, which supported the idea that his mouth was painful. So probably not the end of world, but something to watch in case the vet needed to come sedate him for an exam and x-rays.
That evening the clouds rolled in and the rain began. Miranda had gone to youth group with a friend and needed to be picked up at 9, and Cosmo didn’t want to eat his nighttime meal until 11:30, and then he was awake and adorable and snuggly for another hour. By the time I finally laid down around 1, I was exhausted but wound up, and I couldn’t get to sleep. Even though Hal had looked okay when we fed dinner, I was still worried about him. So I was wide awake when the awful wind came rushing down the hill and battering our bedroom window. It’s so powerful and so eerie. It seems like the house cringes under its assault. It’s sort of embarrassing to admit, but every time we get that wind, it fills me with dread and I feel like something terrible is going to happen. It’s so loud that you can’t hear anything else over it, but when it stops for a few minutes, it’s far too quiet – like a movie trick to build suspense – and I strain my ears listening for sounds of distress at the barn.
I know that my worry goes back a couple of years ago to when my stallion Regalo was sick. He was in and out of the vet hospital, and when they finally sent him home to fully recover, I knew he wasn’t right. They assured me he just needed time, and if we followed the protocol of various medications at the proper intervals 24-hours a day, he would be fine. Every time I had to go down to the barn to feed or medicate him, my stomach would tie up in knots and I’d break out into a cold sweat, not knowing what I would find. Would he be hungry and cheerful? Would he be down again, and thrashing? Would I be able to get him up? What if his pain got out of control and I couldn’t get ahold of Steven and the vet was hours away? Nights were the worst, since it was the longest interval he could go without meds (6 hours), but all I could do for those hours was worry and listen for him to start banging on the barn walls if he got painful again. It felt like all night I would lay in bed vibrating with anxiety, with my hearing at a superhuman sensitivity level, totally strung out, ready to leap up and sprint to the barn any second. It went on for several weeks like that until we could no longer keep him comfortable and he had to be put down.
Not long after we lost Regalo, we had a night of weather exactly like Wednesday night’s. That next morning Margeaux called as soon as she arrived to tell us that one of the horses, Ganelon, was down in his stall and wouldn’t get up. We hadn’t heard him banging because the wind and rain were too loud. He’d only been with us a few months – he had just been retired from a therapy program where he was an absolute super star and helped so many mentally and physically challenged people. After a rough transition, he had settled in, bonded with the other horses, and Evelyn was starting to ride him. But on this particular morning, he was clearly in pain. We got him up and stabilized, and the vet got here as quickly as she could. After assessing him and doing a few tests, she determined there was nothing she could do for him. Ganelon had skin cancer (common for gray horses who have lived in Florida), and it had likely spread internally and wrapped around his bowels, but we’ll never know for sure. So at 2:15 that day, we put him down. And I know it’s not rational, but I still wonder if we had heard him in distress overnight and tried to help him sooner, could it have made a difference?
Between those 2 incidents, I went from having a fairly normal level of concern about my horses’ health, to having ridiculous anxiety over it – and particularly about things going wrong overnight.
So Wednesday night, I worried over Hal all and was totally, irrationally, spooked by the weather. I barely slept, jolting awake every time the wind started howling and every time it stopped, as well as every time Cosmo made a peep. Or when he snored his little baby snores, or when he stopped snoring. Or when Steven shifted positions. I tried all my tricks: deep breathing, putting on an old recorded message from my pastor, praying, reciting Scripture, arguing with myself, giving myself pep talks, turning on Cosmo’s toy otter that plays classical music, more praying. I prayed for every person the Lord brought to mind, but mostly my family. Every time I heard a noise that could possibly be coming from the barn, my adrenaline would shoot through the roof, but it would turn out to be the dogs shifting in their beds, or the wind banging the rickety door on our back porch.
As I prayed, I kept wondering what it was accomplishing. It wasn’t changing anything. I absolutely could not get ahold of myself. And how many nights had this happened now? The same song and dance. Wrestling with fear all night, knowing that the Bible tells us to cast our cares on Him and wanting to do that with every fiber of my being, but still being totally unable to change anything.
When Cosmo woke up to eat around 7, I wanted so badly to ask Steven to go check on Hal, but I knew he hadn’t slept well either, so I didn’t. I didn’t want to face it myself, so I stayed hidden under the covers. Margeaux texted me when she left her house to come here, and I calculated when she would arrive. I lay there with my stomach churning, waiting for her to get to the barn and tell us there was a problem.
But that never happened.
About 20 minutes after she had presumably gotten here and not contacted us, I fell dead asleep, and didn’t wake up until after 10. Steven came in to check on me and we talked a little about what the night had been like. He told me all the things I should do to fix the problem, which were of course all the things I always do all night long every time this happens. I told him that I have seriously considered whether we should get out of horses, because I know it’s not healthy for me to go through this. But we said simultaneously, “If it’s not the horses, it will just be something else.” And then he said the thing that mattered: “Remember how much joy you get from them.” And that is the truth.
Anything that brings us joy has the potential to bring sadness, and in this life that will always happen sometime. Still, the joy outweighs all the rest of it.
It was too muddy to turn the horses out in the big pasture that morning, so Margeaux left Hal, a young mare named CeCe, and our other retired therapy horse Thunder out in the yard to graze. I glanced at Hal periodically and was delighted to see him nibbling on hay, shoving CeCe and Thunder out of his way, and generally looking like his normal sassy self.
Mid-afternoon, the FedEx driver came up to drop a package. He left and a moment later Miranda was looking out the window and said, “Oh, no. Hal!” Of course I panicked, but then she said, “He’s standing in the driveway right in front of the FedEx truck and he won’t move. I think he’s actually licking the hood.” I looked out the window and sure enough, he was like a big barge right there in the middle of everything. The driver didn’t have 4-wheel drive, and couldn’t get through the mud on either side of the driveway to go around, and it apparently did not occur to him to get out and shoo Hal away. He was just sitting there helpless. I ran to he front door and grabbed the only shoes I could slip on, which were Steven’s wool clog slippers. I dashed down the driveway, my feet slapping awkwardly as I struggled to keep them from flying off. I got Hal out of the way and the driver began creeping forward, when CeCe bolted directly in front of the truck for no reason and stopped, and was then joined by Thunder, who also stopped there and refused to move. Hal immediately came back and they all three stood there staring me down. And then I thought, “I’m a professional trainer with over 2 decades of experience, and I can’t get these terrorist horses to move off the driveway!”
I continued to shoo them, with limited success since they would each move only a few feet, glance disgustedly at the muddy mess beside the driveway, and stop again. Meanwhile, Evelyn’s piano teacher Jennifer (a former horse person) drove through the front gate right on time for their lesson. Thankfully she has a Jeep, so she pulled over to the side and watched all of this transpire, laughing. Finally I got the horses moving again and they all went – you guessed it – single file down the driveway towards the gate. The more I shooed, the faster they went – down the exact middle of the driveway. I turned around to the driver who at this point was also laughing. “Are you filming this?” I asked. “Because it’s really ridiculous.”
“No,” he said, “but I did take some pictures.”
Great.
I think the horses finally took pity on me. I admit I preyed in Thunder, who is the oldest and weakest. I managed to shove him off the asphalt into the mud, and young impressionable CeCe followed. I then forcibly drug Hal by his face off to the other side of the driveway and pressed myself against his backside to keep him there. The driver finally got smart and briskly zoomed by us all. I then jogged down to the gate (with my slipper shoes slapping away) to spare him having to get in and out again after all the delay. As he passed me, he hollered out the window, “This was the best thing that happened to me all day!” He was grinning from ear to ear.
After he got on the road, Jennifer pulled back onto the driveway. As she went by, I could see her still laughing so hard that she was wiping the tears off her cheeks.
So the moral of this story is that these delinquent horses not only bring me joy, but they also bring joy to hapless FedEx drivers and piano teachers.
Oh, and also that I finally realized what my all-night prayers had accomplished: they had changed things. I had gotten ahold of myself. I was, in fact, smiling. The sun had even come out. It all just took longer than I wanted. And I realized that my all-night prayers actually work every time. It always becomes morning, the wind always stops raging, the rain always ends, and the sun does come out again. Eventually I breathe at a normal rate, my stomach settles, and the cold sweat stops. I still function; I am not defeated.
And after all the antics, I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post from an artist named Deborah Herbert. Along with a beautiful painting of a horse that looked a lot like my precious Regalo, she shared this Scripture: “Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever,” Psalm 73:23-26.
The delinquents 
The picture of innocence 🎶 Hey, Where Did We Go? 🎶
Short Answer: I’m in the season of life that revolves around The Baby Who Can’t Be Put Down and The Never-Ending Doctor’s Appointments.
Cosmo does not self-entertain yet. He wants so badly to be able to experience the world, but at barely 4 months, there’s not much he can do on his own. So we have to be his entertainment. He wants to be carried around, upright, facing out, so he can see everything. I do have a carrier that he loves to be in if we go out for a walk, but not so much when we’re in the house – too restrictive, I guess.
Thankfully, he sleeps pretty well at night. During the day he hates to fall asleep because he might miss something. But if he does nod off while you’re carrying him, DON’T PUT HIM DOWN or it’s all over.
When I was pregnant, I couldn’t think much beyond one day at a time, and praying that he would be healthy. Now that we’ve moved onto actually raising him, it’s a new and unexpected level of amazing and exhausting. You’d think by the third child I would have a sense of how this goes, but it’s completely new and different. I think there are probably entire days when Steven and I don’t even speak except to communicate the necessities. We’re simply too tired for anything more.
But just look at that face. Those big blue eyes are a miracle and a mystery, and I can get lost in them for hours.
And then there’s the other new addition to the household, my dad. We are so thankful he’s here now. It’s not been easy adjusting to having an extra (adult) person with his own complex needs and wants living with us. (No more streaking from my bedroom to the laundry room to get my clothes out of the dryer.) But it was long past time for him to come up, and we’re much happier knowing he is now getting the little extra help and care that he needed.
I wish I could say he is much happier as well, but that probably wouldn’t be accurate. He has a remarkably good attitude about it all, but it’s difficult to lose your independence, even when you have your own space in a household full of family that loves you. He’s been on his own for a long time; nobody likes to lose that.
One thing that had been getting neglected was Dad’s medical care, so I’ve been slowly tackling that. We’ve been getting established with all the necessary doctors up here, but it’s kind of shocking how much effort, energy, and time it all takes.
And then there’s “the portal” – all the doctors want you to create a portal, which I realize is because they are short-staffed there is never anyone to answer the phone at their offices. I manage to fumble through it, but I can’t imagine how older people who are not tech savvy can do this on their own. Scheduling appointments, getting medical records transferred, filling out extensive forms, driving to and from…it’s inexplicably draining. We did the eye doctor the other day and it was nearly three hours from the time we arrived until we left.
So it seems this is life right now. Hold the baby, walk the baby, call the doctor, go to the doctor, wait at the doctor, walk the baby at the doctor, eat, sleep, repeat. Obviously there is much more that fills out my days – homeschooling and horses and chickens and cooking and cleaning – but it all gets worked in around the baby and the appointments.
I guess the main thing is that it’s all okay. There have certainly been times in my life when I’ve been more able to focus on things I enjoy, like my artwork or making healthy meals. But as my friend Casey says, life is like juggling. You can only keep a certain number of balls in the air at the same time, and you’re always dropping one or more. It’s just a matter of which ones are in the air and which ones you put down. Right now, the most important things are being attended to, and that’s good enough for me.
The Face We Hide
This will be a short post, as I try to quickly write before Cosmo wakes up. But there is something I’ve been wanting to share with you, my friends. I know many of you are wondering how things are going now that our surprise baby has made his appearance in the outside world, and I think I have a very easy way of showing you.
Recently we learned that our niece is pregnant. (So weird to be having a baby around the same time as my own niece). Steven was texting with her mother – his sister – and she asked how we were doing. It was, as usual, 9:30 at night and we had just finished riding and doing barn chores, and were finally starting on dinner. Steven sent her the picture below, with him making the very silly, melodramatic tired face.
But what he didn’t send her was the next one. This one was taken about a minute before the other picture. Steven had snuck into the kitchen, came up behind me, asked me to turn around, and snapped it.
The contrast between these two photos is obvious. Posed versus candid. One is the face you show; one is the face you hide. One is an image you control; the other is flawed reality. We all do it. But I love these two pictures because together, they are true.
We choose to show our best face for good reasons. For me, it’s about staying positive, having a good attitude, and wanting to be an encouragement to people around me rather than bringing them down. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, but it’s also okay to show the other side of ourselves – the exhausted, irritable, struggling side. Neither of those sides of us is really who we are; they’re just who we are in moments. But you put them together, and you begin to get the whole picture. And in the end, the whole picture is endlessly more fascinating, powerful, and beautiful, than just one facet of it.
